The Great Body Swap Caper
by The Emmanator
Summary: An electrical accident a la Kutner leaves House and Amber Volakis in a very compromising situation. But, as always, they handle it with dignity and respect to their fellow man. ...Or not.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Purely crack. This chapter is pretty jumpy but there's nothing to be done about that. The next will be more flowing. Not intended to make any kind of sense.

* * *

The Great Body Swap Caper

Chapter 1: Kutner's Acute Fear of Death

* * *

"CB, go away!" House said as he opened the door to a patients room.

"Well, I'm bored. Wilson is taking far too long. I feel the need to bond with my favorite diagnostician."

"Do you guys mind?" Kutner asked from near the patient's bed. "This chick's crashing, can I get a crash cart!"

"But she's wet," Amber said, looking shocked.

"So? That doesn't really matter right now!" Kutner said as House came over to assist him.

Amber watched, a little perturbed as Kutner charged the defaulters.

"She's still wet, Kutner," House said, taking a few towels from the nurse.  
"Oh fucking well."

The force of the shock was tremendous and the last thing Amber heard was the heart monitor returning to normal.

"Oh God." Kutner stepped out of the room. "Hey can I get some help in here?" he called. "Some people are unconscious…" he told a nurse. She hurried into the room and he stepped into the hall. "Wilson is going to _kill _me."

"What happened?" Thirteen asked, looking at Kutner suspiciously.

"Well. The defib…and…Amber and House are unconscious."

"Amber was in a patients room why?"

"She was bored. But that's not what's important. I've simultaneously injured Wilson's girlfriend and best friend. He's going to kill me."

"Somehow, I doubt it. Come on. They'll be fine."

Kutner and Thirteen walked back to the conference room where Taub and Foreman were gathered.

"Where's House?" Taub asked suspiciously.

"He's unconscious," Thirteen said, cutting over Kutner.

"What?"

"He and Amber were in the room with Kutner and they had to shock a patient and Amber and House were knocked out by the shock because the patient had just gotten out of a shower."

The door opened and Wilson peeked in.

"Kutner. Come here," he said shortly.

Kutner walked over and Wilson shut the door.

"They're fine."

"So you aren't going to kill me?"

"Not yet, at least," he said sternly.

"They'll be okay?"

"I think so."

Kutner sighed in relief and Wilson walked away.

"So you aren't dead?" Taub said, sticking his head out the door.

"Not at the moment," he said, following the shorter man back in.

"Okay so what do we do?" Thirteen asked.

"Wait until House is conscious," Foreman said. "Nothing is really happening."

Taub leaned over and whispered in his ear, and Foreman laughed, with a significant look at Kutner, who raised an eyebrow.

* * *

"I've got some business to take care of," Foreman said suddenly, standing and leaving the room.

"So you'll do it?" Foreman asked Chase, smirking.

"It'll be a kick," he said, nodding.

"Good man," he said, clapping the blond on the back and handing him a bill. "That'll start it."

Chase nodded, smirking.

"You have a pool on Wilson _killing _me?" Kutner exclaimed, looking surprised.

"It's not my betting pool," Foreman said innocently.

Kutner rolled his eyes. "Great."

"It's fine, Wilson is completely harmless," Thirteen told Kutner. "They're just being jerks."

He sighed. "The sooner they both wake up, the better off I'll be."

Taub and Thirteen agreed, but Foreman just kicked his feet up on the table and stared at the newspaper crossword.

* * *

House opened his eyes and looked around. It was a hospital room. He remembered the shock but anything in between was out of his memory.

"What happened?" he muttered. His voice sounded wrong. His leg didn't hurt. He raised a hand to his face. He had a manicure.

He sat up and looking around frantically for a mirror. There was one beside the bed and he grabbed it and looked into it.

_He was Amber Volakis. _

"How did this happen?" he muttered, staring at his reflection in shock.

* * *

Amber groaned. Her leg hurt and her face was itching ridiculously. She sat up. "Wow…what happ-" she muttered. Something was wrong. Her voice was wrong. Her hands were masculine and looked like they had aged a decade since her last manicure.

"Nurse?" she called in a foreign (yet oddly familiar) voice.

A nurse popped in. "Yes Dr. House?" she asked.

Amber felt eyes that weren't really her own widen. "How long have I been unconscious?"

"About three hours," the nurse said. "Is that all?"

"Yeah, that's all," she said, shaking her head and lying back down against her pillows.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

I needed to write some crack to get my mind off of the super-depressing finale. Hope you guys like it.

* * *

The Great Body Swap Caper

Chapter 2: And Wilson Learns the Slightly Disturbing Truth

* * *

House (trapped in the body of Amber Volakis it would seem) sat beside Amber (trapped in the body of Gregory House), the room was empty and they were discussing the problem.

"Until we figure this out, we need to set up some ground rules," Amber said bluntly.

House nodded. He wasn't used to all this hair swinging with him when he moved his head. It was strange. "Don't have sex with anyone questionable while you're in my body," he told her. "And if you must, go easy, or the leg will be killing you."

"I never go easy," Amber replied vaguely. "Don't do anything with anyone other than Wilson while you're in my body," she told him.

"And I was thinking about seducing Kutner," he said sarcastically.

"Don't even."

"I would never. Kutner definitely isn't my type."

Amber laughed a little. She hated having a manly voice.

"Just try and stay in character so no one else realizes this," House told her.

"You do the same for me. Then we can fix this and no one will notice the difference at all," Amber agreed. Of course, they were probably not going to be doing that.

They shook on it.

--

Kutner was sitting in the diagnostics room, alone, texting someone. His feet were kicked up on the table and his chair was leaning back on two legs.

Thirteen walked in. "Are you alright?"

"Uh-huh."

"Wilson isn't mad you know, they're both fine."

"Taub and Foreman keep making fun of me," he said distractedly.

"That's true." She took a seat and he put his phone back in his pocket. "They're just being them."

"Yeah I know."

Amber (who they both assumed to be House) stumped in, and looked around. "Where's Fo- the black one and the short one?" she asked.

"Making bets about how long it'll be until Wilson kills me with Chase. Check the ER," Kutner said. "I'm really sorry about the electrocution."

"Whatever."

Amber left.

"…He's acting different," Thirteen whispered.

"How do you figure?"

"The way he's walking on his cane, it's different. Like he hasn't used one before, or much. And he usually calls Foreman 'Foreman' now. It's just weird."

"Maybe the shock knocked a new personality into him."

Thirteen raised an eyebrow. "Should we investigate?"

"Definitely."

"We should find Taub and Foreman too and tell them," she suggested.

"Good idea," he said. He got up and they left the diagnostics room together. They found Chase, Cameron, Foreman, and Taub all sitting together in the cafeteria. They pulled up chairs.

"Did House come through here?" Thirteen asked.

"Yeah, why?"

"Is he acting strange to you guys?" Kutner supplied.

"A little, but House is always strange," Cameron replied.

"Not strange like usual-House strange, strange like he's not acting like House," Thirteen corrected.

"A bit, yeah," Foreman said. "He might still be a bit dazed from the shock," he said, raising an eyebrow at Kutner.

"Touche. But, I think we should keep an eye on him."

"Well what could've happened other than him just being a little fried? Do you think he and Amber like, switched bodies or something?"

Kutner and Thirteen looked at each other. They were the youngest at the table, of course. But they hated being patronized. "Nothing like that, that's totally ridiculous. Just we should monitor him for a few days and see if the shock has made some kind of lasting change to his personality," Thirteen said.

Thirteen had spoken because she knew that Kutner would mull over a ridiculous idea like Amber and House switching bodies.

"We'll see you guys," she added, getting up and making Kutner follow her. "They didn't switch bodies," she said bluntly.

"That's physically impossible," Kutner agreed. "Though it would be hilarious if it did happen."

"It would be horrible. Amber stuck as our boss?"

"House stuck as Wilson's girlfriend?"

They both laughed at house absurd the idea was.

Wilson appeared behind them very suddenly.

"Is House acting strange to you two?" he asked.

"He does seem a little off."

Wilson sighed. "Amber too. Maybe it's just the after-effects of the shock. But it's still a little weird."

"That's what Cameron and Chase think it is," Kutner piped up.

Wilson nodded, clapping his hands together and walking away.

"Amber's acting strange too?"

"It probably is just from the shock," Thirteen said.

"Yeah…" Kutner trailed off.

--

Amber (or who Wilson believed was Amber, who was actually House) sat on his desk, her (his?) legs crossed. "Do you want to go get lunch?" House asked in his best imitation of Amber.

"No, I've got a bit of work to do. You should probably go home and rest."

House thought this was a good idea and walked off. He hadn't mastered walking without a limp or walking like a woman, and Wilson watched him (her?) leave with a strange expression.

"Maybe her leg is sore," he said to himself.

"Wilson," House (who was actually Amber) said from the door. "How about lunch?"

"Busy, House," he said.

"Fine," she said, walking off. Amber hadn't mastered walking with a cane or House's signature limp, she just walked the way that gave the bum leg the least amount of discomfort.

Wilson noticed this too.

He furrowed his brows.

"This is just weird."

The mystery of the weird walks was pushed out of his mind by the piling paperwork.

Then it hit him.

"House gave up? …He didn't sit in here and torture me or anything. And Amber didn't even give me a good-bye kiss." He thought for a second. "This is not normal."

--

Wilson got home late and Amber was on the phone with someone. She sounded irritated.

"Who're you on the phone with?" he mouthed as he took off his coat.

"Amber," she mouthed back. Then her eyes widened. "House," she corrected hastily.

House had forgotten that he wasn't House and she wasn't Amber.

They were going to get busted so bad.

Wilson mulled this over. And that night laying in bed, Amber flat on her back asleep (Amber never slept on her back) he thought even harder.

It hit him very harshly.

Amber and House were trapped in the other's body.

He decided not to tell anyone. Foreman would notice next, or Cuddy if she was around enough. Foreman would tell Taub, Chase and Cameron. Kutner would figure it out next, and then tell Thirteen.

He would definitely have to fix this.


End file.
